Done

I knew I hadn’t been here for a while, but I was surprised to see that my last post was on 31st January. Oops. So much has happened since then, that I do need to share, but that will have to wait until another time. What I came here to tell you was that yesterday was my final session of radiotherapy, which means I Am Done.

321 days after I first spotted a weird dimple, active treatment is finished.

In those 321 days I have had biopsies, mammograms, tumours and lymph nodes removed, 20 rounds of chemo and 20 sessions of radiotherapy.

And now it’s all done.

I left the hospital yesterday, and was surprised by how emotional I felt. I don’t cry very often, but I couldn’t help myself as I walked back to my car. The tears just kept coming.

Obviously I felt relief that it’s all over, and that I can now focus on getting me back, but I also felt fearful of being let go out into the wild. While I have been receiving chemo and radiotherapy, I have seen medical professionals regularly, and have been relatively reassured that my cancer is being got rid of. But now I’m on my own. What if it comes back?

I’m told this is very normal, and lots of people have this feeling at the end of active treatment. I was prepared for it, but it still took me by surprise.

Of course I will still meet with my oncologist regularly, and have annual mammograms for the next five years. I also have ten years of tamoxifen ahead of me too, so that my cancer does not return. Rationally I know that they got everything out back in July, the chemo and radiotherapy were just to make sure. “Belt and braces” is a phrase I have heard a lot in the last year.

Last night we went out for a meal to celebrate the end of a very difficult time. My husband and kids have been amazing through this whole thing, and we needed to mark the occasion. We had a lovely evening and I am so glad we went out.

Today though, I have felt a little bit lost. Now that treatment is done, I don’t really know what to do with myself. For the last five weeks I have been making daily trips to the hospital for radiotherapy. Before that my weeks were structured around chemos sessions and PICC line cleans. It feels strange to be let loose, on my own, to find who I am now that I’ve come out the other side.

Mostly I feel tired. Partly that is due to the radiotherapy, but I am also exhausted after months of gruelling treatments. I know I need to take time to let my body heal and recover. It has been through a lot.

Have you been through cancer treatment? How did you feel when it was over? Any tips will be gratefully received!